Rosa Clara

My one and only medicine. All I need!

I am driving with some friends out to the desert and we are going to get high on Peyote.  I can think of few better ways to spend the day of the dead..

Reports to follow soon, as soon as the trip is over.  Wish me luck!

This is one of the issues that was most difficult to deal with through my engagement: my tattoos.  I was always hanging out in a social environment where they were either noticed with compliments or taken as normal.  The minute I stepped out of my world into a more traditional one I just could not get people eyes off me.

This is not something that necessarily bothered me.  I am somewhat of an exhibitionist and I do enjoy the attention.  However, in more that one ocassion people just hammered the same question: why? why did you mark your body like that? As if I had dome something horrible to it.  I don’t see it that way.

First of all, my tattoos define me. They are beautiful works of art that took countless hours and large amounts of pain to complete. Each one has a meaning, a significance that is highly relevant to myself as a human being and as an individual. They also represent an ultimate gesture of self-expression and control over your appearance.

We do not choose the place, the time, or the family we are born into. Whatever you find when you begin to be self aware was just the product of chance.  From that point on however, it is up to us.  I am extremely passionate about myself, life, and the elements that define us.  My first tattoo was a broken heart, and I got it just so that I would never forget how it feels like to have it ripped apart.  From that point on, each one of them has a specific story and defines me as a person.

That, is a very nice and long winded explanation.  The short one is that you can fuck off for all I care.

One of my most surprising discoveries. I did not realize he had that many tattoos.

 One of the things that bothered me the most with some of the characters I used to hang out with was the fact that although they did see me as an outcast, they went goo-goo-gaga over people like Angeline Jolie and David Beckham.

David’s tattoos represent exactly what I am talking about.  Each one of them represent a major event in his life.  The names of his children, a guardian angel, and a proverb that represents what appears to be his life philosophy.

You can just Google “Beckham Tattoos” if you are interested, or you can check out this page.

 Another one of my favorite girls is Bella Donna. If you do not know who she is you really need to watch some more porn.  However, I have been unable to get any details on her tattoos.  I just know that I like them and that she is steaming hot. You can check out her website here. Not for prudes, and definitely NSFW.

I cannot believe how long it has been since the last post.  So much has happened since…

The engagement was called off.  There were multiple reasons for it and I have moved beyond all of them.  Some of them were my fault: drug use, unwillingness to change my very core and I guess at times being a bitch.  Some were his fault, and I hesitate to write them down because I still have feelings for him.  A great deal of them however were related to his family.  They truly tried as hard as they could to make sure this did not happen and I guess they succeeded.

It took about two months for the whole thing to unwind.  After the break up, in the worst possible fucking way you can break with someone (texting) I went on a downward spiral of drugs, sex, and very bad decisions.  One day, I woke up in a freakish scene on which I had no clue how I had gotten into: naked, in a stranger’s warehouse and without a single memory of how I got there.  I stumbled on to find a bathroom and when I took a look at the mirror it hit me like a freight train: this is what rock bottom looks like.

I got out of there in one piece by the skin of my teeth. I called Dexter and cried for help. 5 weeks later my therapist said that writing would be a good outlet for me, and that I should have never stopped.  So, here I am.  Asking myself the eternal question again.  How did I get here?

How long can you remain young? How long can you deny the fact that we are all growing older? I look at my body, my tattoos and my piercings and I see beauty. However, I know it will not stay like that forever. I have not fully explored the reasons that got me to where I am today, but I know that even if I want to, I cannot possibly stay here forever.

D knows that. He wants to get married, he wants to go all the way and have a big time wedding, which is something that baffles me. He has baffled me from day one. I think I may have already said this before, but I am not a girl you take home to have Apple pie with mom.

I am heavily noticed in the street (and I like it that way), I have more tattoos that I can count, and I am most definitely not the type of girl you can take to the club house in the country club.

D wants all of that. He wants the big time wedding, the white designer bridal dress, the cake, the reception, the rehearsal dinner… I am excited but I also have doubts. On one hand I am thrilled that he really wants to do this. On the other hand it seems so unreal that I am wondering whether or not he is doing it to get back at his family. It is a crazy thought, but it has crossed my mind. I mean, there is no wedding dress that is going to hide my neck and arm tattoos. On the other hand, we have been together for quite a few years.

It is late, I am tired, I am having too much trouble digesting this. I have a session tomorrow and I need to get some rest.

It’s been less than 24 hours since I placed my first post and I am already getting questions. First of all, it appears that most people are not familiar with what a Suicide Girl is. Please Google it. There are over 1,300 of us.

As to why I became one, it is not something that you plan. It did not happen overnight. It was a very slow evolution that finally made me into who I am today. I would like to think this is a good thing. It has allowed me not just to make a very good living, but also to meet the most wonderful guy in the world.

I am just realizing now that this blogging software does not allow me to publish in chronological order, which honestly is a pain in the ass as I would like my journey to be read in a more natural way. If someone has a suggestion as to how this can be accomplished in BlogSpot that would be great. Otherwise I am just going to change the posting dates, although I will leave the correct ones on top.

D. wants to get married in his family church. I do not know how I feel about that. My faith has never been a big deal to me, but as I start to think about it I am not so sure I want a traditional catholic wedding. Unfortunately his father is a deacon, and this is going to be a big deal that will not be easily avoided. His family does not know me yet, even though we live in the same city. I guess you could say I am not the girl you take home to eat apple pie.

We will be having dinner tonight and figure things out. I cannot believe how excited I actually am.

My name is Rosa Clara, I am a Suicide Girl, and the best thing that ever happened to me has just asked me to marry him.

A lot of thoughts are piling up on me right now. For anybody that knows what a Suicide Girl is they probably are aware we are not the most discreet females out there. My fiancee’s family is as conservative as they can get. They are right wing republicans, I am left wing beyond anything reasonable. They are catholic, I am Jewish. He is very close to his family, I am not. I am not sure how this is going to work out, but I know I want to make it work.

This diary, started late at night will keep track of the journey ahead of me. I hope it can serve as a guide to my own thoughts and as a help to other girls that may find themselves in a similar position. My lovely D (you better know him just by his first initial) has totally set me up with a blog and my own domain name. He’s such as sweetie.

I never pictured myself in a bridal dress, I never pictured myself in a church, I am not even sure how the tatoos are going to look and/or if I will be able to find something that will look just half-way decent, but one thing is for sure. This is going to be one heck of a ride.