Rosa Clara

How long can you remain young? How long can you deny the fact that we are all growing older? I look at my body, my tattoos and my piercings and I see beauty. However, I know it will not stay like that forever. I have not fully explored the reasons that got me to where I am today, but I know that even if I want to, I cannot possibly stay here forever.

D knows that. He wants to get married, he wants to go all the way and have a big time wedding, which is something that baffles me. He has baffled me from day one. I think I may have already said this before, but I am not a girl you take home to have Apple pie with mom. I am heavily noticed in the street (and I like it that way), I have more tattoos that I can count, I am… well, I used to be somewhat of a slut, and I am most definitely not the type of girl you can take to the club house in the country club.

D wants all of that. He wants the big time wedding, the white designer bridal dress, the cake, the reception, the rehearsal dinner… I am excited but I also have doubts. On one hand I am thrilled that he really wants to do this. On the other hand it seems so unreal that I am wondering whether or not he is doing it to get back at his family. It is a crazy thought, but it has crossed my mind. I mean, there is no wedding dress that is going to hide my neck and arm tattoos. On the other hand, we have been together for quite a few years.

It is late, I am tired, I am having too much trouble digesting this. I have a session tomorrow and I need to get some rest.

12/5/07

It’s been less than 24 hours since I placed my first post and I am already getting questions. First of all, it appears that most people are not familiar with what a Suicide Girl is. Please Google it. There are over 1,300 of us.

As to why I became one, it is not something that you plan. It did not happen overnight. It was a very slow evolution that finally made me into who I am today. I would like to think this is a good thing. It has allowed me not just to make a very good living, but also to meet the most wonderful guy in the world.

I am just realizing now that this blogging software does not allow me to publish in chronological order, which honestly is a pain in the ass as I would like my journey to be read in a more natural way. If someone has a suggestion as to how this can be accomplished in BlogSpot that would be great. Otherwise I am just going to change the posting dates, although I will leave the correct ones on top.

D. wants to get married in his family church. I do not know how I feel about that. My faith has never been a big deal to me, but as I start to think about it I am not so sure I want a traditional catholic wedding. Unfortunately his father is a deacon, and this is going to be a big deal that will not be easily avoided. His family does not know me yet, even though we live in the same city. I guess you could say I am not the girl you take home to eat apple pie.

We will be having dinner tonight and figure things out. I cannot believe how excited I actually am.

My name is Rosa Clara, I am a Suicide Girl, and the best thing that ever happened to me has just asked me to marry him.

A lot of thoughts are piling up on me right now. For anybody that knows what a Suicide Girl is they probably are aware we are not the most discreet females out there. My fiancee’s family is as conservative as they can get. They are right wing republicans, I am left wing beyond anything reasonable. They are catholic, I am Jewish. He is very close to his family, I am not. I am not sure how this is going to work out, but I know I want to make it work.

This diary, started late at night will keep track of the journey ahead of me. I hope it can serve as a guide to my own thoughts and as a help to other girls that may find themselves in a similar position. My lovely D (you better know him just by his first initial) has totally set me up with a blog and my own domain name. He’s such as sweetie.

I never pictured myself in a bridal dress, I never pictured myself in a church, I am not even sure how the tatoos are going to look and/or if I will be able to find something that will look just half-way decent, but one thing is for sure. This is going to be one heck of a ride.